What Makes a Mother?

Last night before bible study, Regan, Tara, Rachel, and I were talking about adoption and how it affects children. In particular, we were discussing the issue of same race parents withholding adoption information from their children until they are grown. What would it be like to grow up and find out that your mom is not “really” your mom? As I have further thought about this, I have come to the conclusion that though genetics can form a bond, they are not what make a mother, nor do they define the parent-child relationship.

If I found out tomorrow that my mother, the beautiful woman whom I’ve shared my entire life with, was not my biological mom, though it would be shocking and confusing for a while, she would still ultimately be my true mother. She has fulfilled that role. DNA aside, this is the woman who changed all of my diapers, helped me with my school work, loved me even when I was rebellious, has encouraged me, stood by me, and well…just loved the daylights out of me. She is not only my mother, she is my friend. The relationship is what makes her my mom. Finding out that I did not grow in her womb would not make me love her an ounce less.

I can see how true this is with my nephews. I love those boys as if they were my children. They are a joy to my life. I do not, however, love them because we share genetic information. I love them because I have bonded with them. I love them because my role as their aunt makes me responsible to care for them and through that process we have formed an attachment. The attachment we have to newborn babies and unborn babies forms because they are “ours”. This is my baby. I am responsible for it. As the child grows, so does the relationship and the bond gets even stronger.

Thinking through these issues is important to me because my child will eventually have to work through them as well. She will hear things like “do you ever want to meet your real mom?” and “couldn’t your mom and dad have their own children?” I will be her real mother and she will be my own child. I will really love her, care for her, teach her, and lay down my life for her. By the grace of God, I will fulfill the role of mother for her. Our relationship will form that bond, just as it does for everyone else. I will raise her and love her as my very own child because motherhood is a role, a position, a relationship that needs to be nurtured with intentionality. I will not have the option of being lazy in my parenting by relying on sheer genetics to raise and relate to my child. I believe that biologically we have offspring, but through relationship we have children.

Children are a gift. God creates and chooses the souls He gives to each baby. He knits them together and makes them who they are – we do not. Biological mothers love the child that they are given, and so will I.